The Weight of Worth

It's been a few days since I have written in here. Mostly because I have been pretty exhausted. The winters in Ohio with no sun are the hardest on my mental health. I start to feel pretty gray just like the skies here. I have also been thinking through the concept of self-confidence/self-worth. At first, I thought I lacked in confidence, but I don't. I overall feel very competent as a mom, writer, friend, thinker, business person.

My worth is where I struggle. I am very attached to the results of me “doing” something. Somewhere, I learned that I am only as valuable as what I can produce so it makes sense when things don't happen for me the way I wanted them to or how success “should” look like. I get very down. One might think that it would make me this super high achiever, overly ambitious person, but it has actually made me very recluse to the point where some may say I lack ambition. My true, authentic self knows that I am perfectly fine just existing in time and space, however the belief system I was fed, says the opposite. My authentic self says I deserve respect, loyalty, and love without having to fight so hard to earn it, That it's my human right to have all and receive all of those things mentioned above.

My belief system says I have to earn. I have work & even fight to have, receive, and keep those things. My belief system says it's a never-ending chase for the affection & the hearts of those I love. I work so hard in all of my relationships, bettering myself, evolving, being the bigger person, taking the initiative to make the plans and invitations.

I'm tired. I'm so so tired. My soul is tired. I want to just exist in the time and space of my relationships, including the one with myself. I want to just show up. I don't desire anymore pursuing and chasing after affection, passion & love. Don't I deserve that? I don't have to earn what should be already there. After how hard I’ve already worked. Achea, what are you waiting for? You are enough and I give you permission to just rest. Just rest, my child just rest.

Stop Striving so hard and take your REST!